Goodbye, WordPress

Hello everybody, Karuchan90 here. Today is this blog’s 7th year anniversary, but instead of a celebration, we’ll have a goodbye party. I have postponed so many times now about my “coming back” to this blog. What I once cherished and loved with all my heart now fills me with sadness, frustration and disappointment. I cannot believe that I have let myself down so much, I cannot believe that i have abandoned something that actually helped me, something I truly loved.

I always dreamt of having this site see lots of growth, start a community and document what it’s been like to grow up, but as many people have encountered, the harsh reality of growing up means giving up on lots of stuff along the way. Sadly, I have given up more than just stuff, I’ve given up what made Karuchan90 herself.

I started this blog when I was 15 years old, still in high school. My boyfriend at the time said it was stupid to start a blog, my so called friends didn’t support me or even bothered to care and my parents just didn’t understand it. But I was ok with it, because quite frankly, I liked having it just for me, to do so privately in the sense that I would be able to keep my real life away from all of this. I could be free on here, talk about absolutely anything and everything, and the people who cared about it would be the ones to read, to like, to comment. Those were the people I was willing to share myself with and give them a slice of my heart with all the love of the world.

But then I just, grew up.

College became my distraction, and I cannot believe I spent 4 and a half years of my life trying to convince myself that I wanted to be an engineer. I did coding in high school for 3 years, I’m a very talented programmer. Going into a super great, top ranking university for computer systems programming, i always stood out for my abilities, knowledge and interest to learn.

But I always knew deep down that it wasn’t what I wanted.

I had many breakdowns. I collapsed many times. I had an eating disorder that I used to tell myself that nobody knew about, but now I’ve come to realize that nobody cared. I was going to school at my lowest weight and as I struggled to keep my food deprived self awake during my calculus exam in second semester college, I had to endure the teacher yelling at us that she couldn’t believe that we couldn’t finish a simple calculus exam in 20 minutes. I’m honest, I hated calculus. I was never the brightest in math and I struggled with that subject so damn much, and to top it off with an eating disorder and anxiety, I collapsed the next day.

But that wasn’t my first time, it was my third, I relapsed.

I went back to school with a bruise on my nose because I passed out in the bathroom and hit my nose straight against the shower faucet handles. It hurt, everything hurt, and it made me feel cared for when a couple of friends asked me what happened. It made me feel like finally, someone noticed. Of course my family knew what was going on, but it’s not the same as having a friend support you. I refused to go into rehab, and since I was over 18 at the time my parents could not force me. It made me cry seeing my mother shed oceans from her eyes because of what i was doing to myself. It made me feel sick to see my tired father desperate for money to get me into treatment, because it’s very expensive. It broke my heart to see my sisters, children at the time, having me as a bad role model.

It shattered me, but I still tried.

I came out of it thank God, and I was able to pass my calculus class but not out of courageously coming out from an eating disorder and getting back on track, but because the teacher felt compassion for me and passed me with an 86. Whatever, at least I passed.

…

Time went on and I actually felt amazing. I was feeling better, I had started to slowly do workouts to build some strenght and muscle and not be just a skeleton walking around, and I actually made some dope friends in third semester. I was growing, I was glowing. I met a boy, an extremely lovely boy who actually had interest in who I was and what I loved, and he supported me so much. He became my boyfriend (we’ve been dating for 3 years now ❤ ) and he was the only person from my new friend group to know about this blog.

He loved it, he supported it and encouraged me to write. I tried but, I failed. I failed to keep me motivated, interested. I didn’t know what to do or write, I didn’t know how to try.

So I left it.

And then I came back.

And then I left it again.

And so the cycle went on.

I rebranded this entire blog and made it look amazing. I felt absolutely proud of my work and thought the website was a direct reflection of who I am, but it’s not…it’s actually a reflection of what the 15 year old me always wanted.

I am now 22, going on 23. I’m in my first formal job as an engineer. My boss gave me some work to do at 9 am that takes about 2 hours to do. I’ts been 5 hours and I’m not even close to finishing it. It doesn’t interest me, It doesn’t spark any emotion in me other than hatred and boredom. I feel stuck, and I have felt stuck for about 4 months now. I don’t want to do this.

Karuchan was born when I was 12. She was my online persona pretty much. She roamed around many forums and websites and you’ll most likely run into her in YouTube comment sections nowadays (because I still use the google account for everyday use lol). She had big dreams to grow and see the world, become a star, be an artist. In fact, Karuchan wasn’t the only one who had always dreamt of that, because her real life creator, the one who’s speaking to you know, also wanted that since a kid.

My real name is Britney. I was named directly after Britney Spears. As a kid I loved music. I used to sing a lot in the school choirs. I also loved, loved art. I loved drawing my heart out. As I grew up I always knew I wanted to be an artist. When I reached preteen age, I knew I wanted to kick off and make my dreams come true, so I created Karuchan, she would be the one to shine and thrive as an artist.

But then she died lol

And no matter how much I try to bring her back, she won’t. You know why? Because she’s dead. She’s in the past, and she will never come back. The reason why I feel so lost, so plummeted, is because after she died I had to face the real reflection:

Me.

And that real reflection, is actually Britney grown up. It hurt so much to see that the Britney that was once an innocent kid filled with so much aspirations, life and energy was now this. I’m a gloomy, depressed, and insecure person. I used to be very confident, outgoing, charismatic. I was always the shining star wherever I went, but now whenever I have to talk to someone at work I pray to God to let me speak. I look so confident and collected on the outside, smiling from ear to ear, but on the inside i’m struggling to keep myself from falling. Whenever I speak my voice resonates through the room and captures everybodies attention but on the inside i’m trying not to stutter and let show how nervous and how much i’m on the verge of bursting. I just, don’t want to talk to anybody there. I hate hearing “this company is super amazing you’ll grow to love it so much” and I absolutely, hate with all my heart, how the company’s motto is “A great place to work”.

No, no it isn’t.

Maybe for those who do like it yeah but not for me.

When I was a teenager I wanted to go to college for arts but when the time to decide came my parents looked down uppon me and shamed me for even thinking about being an artist. So I just went with engineering. My parents feel so proud of me, they always tell everybody that their eldest daughter is an engineer. If only they knew lol.

I won’t dedicate myself to this career path. I’ll follow what my little child self always wanted and I won’t care what anybody says or thinks, fuck everybody. It’s my life, and I won’t be stuck behind a depressing desk from 8 to 5.

I’ll be happy.

It’s not that karuchan died, it’s that she just grew up. I don’t have like, DID or anything like that no, it’s just an alter ego that I had but I pretty much grew out of it. It’s time I live up to my own name, and make justice for Karuchan’s disappearance and for the little Britney that cries every single day because she’s not fullfilled.

At one point in this blog’s history I wrote a post about never growing up and always cherishing that inner child, and tbh I can’t believe I didn’t live up to that. Of course you can’t be a literal child and act immature, but you can have the energy, heart and spirit of a kid at any age. It’s called being fun, it’s called being creative.

It’s called living your best life.

So, this is it. This is the end. I won’t delete this blog ever because idk, i don’t actually have the heart to do that lol. I poured my life and soul into this at one point and it’s pretty much part of my teenage years. So i’ll leave it. I don’t think i’ll ever update it again, maybe some day in the future I will. Who knows. My IG is still up on this website somewhere so you can check that out if you want, but I don’t really post much (or anything really).

So, just to pay tribute to this place once filled with joy and life, here’s a list of acheivements:

• Sunshine Blogger Award (I was nominated by a fellow blogger back in the day and won woooh)
• Passed 50,000 overall views (this site has potential!)
• 191 subscribers/followers (love them 4ever ❤ )

Thank you to all the people who I met here. Thank you for the many awesome times we talked and for the support that was always shown.

Special thanks to:

• Man Vs. Loneliness (this blog no longer exists, but I still follow it’s author on IG, he’s accomplished his dream of being a chef!!)

• Kiki (SoyVirgo) (met her when this blog was still active, I still get her posts in my email and it’s always a delight to read them, super creative ❤ )

• Project BIY (It’s innactive now, but it’s author was a great friend who inspired many to become better within themselves)
  
• To all the other people out there with blogs who ever commented, liked and shared my posts.

With all of this said, thank you so much to everyone who once filled this place with so much joy and life. You all made my teen years feel amazing, you made a young 15-17 year old girl get through so many tough days. This girl has now grown up, but she will never forget you. I will forever cherish everyone of you, even those who are reading this now, thank you. I’m sorry that you had to discover this place at it’s end, but just know that I love you for reading this.

Thank you to everybody. Until we meet again, keep happy and stay hydrated.

-With love forever,

Karuchan90.

Karuchan90.wordpress.com
05/04/2016 – 05/04/2023

🙂

test post

test

Nothing works anymore

No matter what I do, who I am, where I go

it´s always the same and it won´t change until I´m finally able to go

Just, leave. I just don´t know what else to do

I don´t know where to go and hell, I don´t even have a place to go

I have to stay here, and rot until they´re done

I have to stay here, and allow them until they stop

Stop screaming at me

Stop yelling at me

I´m evil

I´m stupid

I´m useless

You said it, not me

I´m done, I´m tired

I´m scared and I´m endless

But if I say a thing, I´m egoist

There is no space for me

There is no importance to me

It´s just me and myself and I

Trying

But failing

I´m falling

Help

I can´t get up

Just please someone

Come and save me

Because I can no longer save myself

From nothing

I´m sorry for the bother, good night

Allegory of myself

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be somebody else? Just, totally different? Someone who, is just better than what you are now? Does that person even exist? Is it even possible to get to it? People do change, but what about those that don’t? What happens to them?

Suicide

Those who cannot move on, those who cannot change, those who feel useless and worthless die within themselves. Nothing matters anymore, it’s all just, pointless, just like one’s self.

What’s the point of having love if you don’t feel the love? What’s the point of having love if you cannot give it back? Nothing about is reciprocate, and therefore, worthless, a waste of time.

Deception

“You aren’t what I expected. You aren’t what i need. You can never say the correct things. You make me cry. You just don’t try, ever. It’s always the same with you. What’s the point in listening to you and seeking for your help if you’re totally useless to me?” Words that resonate within me.

Useless

Fake a smile, and try to move on. Your issues don’t matter, they’ve never mattered really. How long has it been since someone last comforted me for real? I was a child I think. I cannot open up to nobody, not even to my dearest person. I’m left to just, go on and move forward myself. But whenever it’s someone else I must be there and do what’s best for them. But what happens when I can’t? What happens when I am no longer able to do it? What happens when I was never able to do it?

Loneliness

I can no longer go on. I can no longer support any of this. I’m just gone. Nothing is left of me, really I’m just a mechanized robot, programmed to smile and be gentle while doing pointless homework for mediocre teachers. What happens when the robot I am has no one to update me? No one to give me maintenance. I have, absolutely nobody.

Demolition

But, it’s not okay for me to think this way. I am not a victim, I’m the guilty one. It is me who does everything bad. It is me who does the damage. It’s all, my fault. It’s always been. So I shouldn’t complain. I shouldn’t say or think these things. I am the cause of everything.

Egoist

I should just, leave. Move away as soon as I can, to somewhere nobody will ever find me, and start all over. I know they say you shouldn’t run away from your problems, but those who say that are the people who don’t know why we leave in the first place. I’m just lost. I don’t know where I am. So please, let me leave, let me find home. Let me find peace.

Hopeless

I don’t deserve love, and I don’t deserve to be loved. Why would anybody want that? They also say, that there’s a special someone for everybody, but that’s a lie. There isn’t. For the majority, yeah sure, I guess they do have a special someone, but then there’s those who are like me, who cannot have anybody. I guess, we’re meant to be lonely. We’re meant to have no one, so of course, it’s never going to work. With anybody.

Faceless

It is the end for me. I’m just a few inches away from just becoming a machine. With nothing to feel, with nothing to care for. Just a little bit more and i will not feel a thing, nothing. I never thought I could be more broken then what I already am, but oh God, was I wrong. The only person who can save me now is myself, really. But, until then, I’ll just stay this way.

Self destruction

self depreciation

dissociating

Disconnected from one’s self, from one’s thoughts, from one’s emotions, from one’s feelings. Because they do not exist, it’s not real, and you can’t see it nor feel it. It all just doesn’t make sense, nothing ever does.

Confusion

And disconnected from reality

These are my thoughts, day and night.

Non stop.

They don’t leave me alone. They’re always there.

Haunting

Menacing

scared

Depression and Chronic Migraines

Living without a piece of care is like not living very much ya know? Who did this? Why me? Where am I? Who am I? Am I loved? Am I cared for? Am I just one person more? Where will I be in the next 5 or so years?

Ugh, I hate that fucking question.

It’s the question that all teachers always ask their students

“Where do you see yourself in the next 5 or 10 years?”

“I’ll be married”- says Tiffany

“I’ll have a stable job and my own home” – says Omar

“I don’t fucking know” – Says no one, ever.

We just think it.

It’s not the norm to not know what the fuck will happen in the next 5 or 10 years. It’s also not the norm to share what you truly want.

“I wanna travel the world” – says, maybe some adventurous brave soul.

“I wanna be a star” – says, one out of 10 confident people.

“I’m gonna be true to myself” – says, no one ever.

Why would they?

It’s not the right answer to the teachers questions. They always say “Oh there is no right and wrong answer”, then they correct your answer afterwards. Saying that is the literal equivalent to saying “no offense but..” right before offending you.

“Oh cool you wanna be a star but guess what? That’s unrealistic and inconvenient, nobody wants to hear that. So, like, you’re a female, right? So, instead strive to getting married and having a job and a family of 3 kids and getting divorced or something, it’s much more realistic and likely to happen. So, I’ll ask you again, where do you see yourself in the next 5 or so years?”

Drowning in a bathtub.

Drowning on myself.

Drowning in myself.

“I’ll have a great job and I’ll be married!” – says me.

Hello. :)

Lots of things have happened over the years, the  most important thing that has gone on is that I’ve grown up quite a lot. When I first started out this blog, I was 15 years old in high school. I’m 19 going on 20 and in my second almost 3rd year of college. I’ve matured a lot since the beginning of my blog in which I would post a lot of random content but over the years especially after starting uni I’ve let go of this blog. I’d like to pick it up again.

So here I am…for the like….5,0000th time. I’ve already written like 3 posts claiming I’m back but I don’t do shit. I’d like to change that. Over the months I’ve thought about things to write about, I already got down a big list of topics. I’d love to grow my blog and build up a community of some sort. I know for sure that it’s gonna be hard because school keeps me really busy and when I’m not in school I just do not find the energy and motivation to write something.

I’d like to change that.

Soooo it turns out I met a boy some time ago and this dude, I just really like him. And, he’s like, super cool and just super chill and down to earth and I love that so so much. He’s pretty much inspired me to come back to this blog. He’s always giving me something to think about and I love how we’re always talking about everything and he’s motivated me to come back pretty much and idk ever since getting with him I’ve felt pulled to this blog. I can hear it screaming at me to please come back.

So that’s what I’m doing now.

I used to write to feel better and to like, let myself go. Talk about whatever I wanted. But then….I just lost motivation. I didn’t want to do anything on this blog not even access it. I started posting just for the sake of it, not because I felt like doing it. I was basically forcing myself to push out posts at one point and then suddenly one day, poof. All will was lost. Looking at it made me feel embarrassed and it also made me feel like….something heavy in me. My blog has been a secret to everybody that I know since the start. There’s only one person in my life outside this blog that knows it exists and it’s my bf. I wish to not feel like it’s dumb to have this blog. I would really, really love to feel proud of it and share it with everybody that I know. I just don’t wanna hide it, no more.

So yeah. I’ll come back. I already have something I’d like to talk about and I’ll start to write it asap. So, stay tune, whoever is reading this. Hope you stay for a while and hope you enjoy what you find here.

With love,

            -me. 🙂

 

 

Hello!

Aaayee whattup it’s me, back, after like, 6 months? Haha, anyways, I’m gonna be writing again! I have finally gotten through some tough personal and school stuff, and I feel much better and ready to start writing again.

If you’ve been here for a while, thank you so much. 🙂 I hope you can stick around through the newer content I plan to write about! If you’re new here, then welcome! There’s always room for one more.

So, through the past months I have changed in many ways. I feel much more energetic, happier, less stressed. I have opened my mind up to things about myself that i noticed and I worked through the bad stuff and the good stuff about me.

I also started to discover newer hobbies and better things to spend my time on instead of spending it feeling sad and stressed. I had to break out of that bubble, I couldn’t stay there forever. If I did, I would never grow as a person.

One of my “new” hobbies is gardening. I say “new” because I used to garden as a child but as I got older I lost interest. Well, I’ve regained it! I have discovered to really love Succulent plants (especially cactus) and growing my own vegetables 🙂

I also started to pay more attention to the things that are happening around me, such as environmental issues. I would like to focus this blog on many things, one of those being informing the world about the issues going on in our environment, what is causing them and what we can do to help solve them.

I will still like to post some of my other random content every now and then, too. So, I’ve decided to come up with a schedule in which I will try to post at least 2 times a week: One post on Sunday and the other on whatever day I have time! (ya know, cuz school). I also kinda want to start a youtube channel 😛

So…yeah. That’s it for now!

Signing out, Kchan.

why

Sometimes I wonder

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be different?

I try and try and try

I do everything but nothing works

Nothing makes sense

I want to change

But I guess I’m just like this

Stupid

2018? 2019!

Aaaaye it’s me again! I’ve been busy with some personal stuff but here I am to say a goodbye to 2018 on my blog and to welcome the new year!

Let’s see, this 2018 I feel like I didn’t post much, but hopefully I will in 2019. I wanna get stuff organized this new year to have time for everything that I want to do. I feel like I could have done many stuff this year but I’m happy with the way things always ended up to be, I had a nice year. 🙂

Hope all of you out there too! Be grateful for everything that you have in your life; your friends and family, your home, work, school, whatever it is, be grateful for it. Take good care of yourselves! Remember to rest when you need to, work hard for your goals and try to stay positive through everything that the new year will bring you. You can do it. 🙂

Thanks for reading my blog through this year, there will be more to come soon, I promise!

Have a good new year. 🙂 ❤

With love, me.