Allegory of myself

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be somebody else? Just, totally different? Someone who, is just better than what you are now? Does that person even exist? Is it even possible to get to it? People do change, but what about those that don’t? What happens to them?


Those who cannot move on, those who cannot change, those who feel useless and worthless die within themselves. Nothing matters anymore, it’s all just, pointless, just like one’s self.

What’s the point of having love if you don’t feel the love? What’s the point of having love if you cannot give it back? Nothing about is reciprocate, and therefore, worthless, a waste of time.


“You aren’t what I expected. You aren’t what i need. You can never say the correct things. You make me cry. You just don’t try, ever. It’s always the same with you. What’s the point in listening to you and seeking for your help if you’re totally useless to me?” Words that resonate within me.


Fake a smile, and try to move on. Your issues don’t matter, they’ve never mattered really. How long has it been since someone last comforted me for real? I was a child I think. I cannot open up to nobody, not even to my dearest person. I’m left to just, go on and move forward myself. But whenever it’s someone else I must be there and do what’s best for them. But what happens when I can’t? What happens when I am no longer able to do it? What happens when I was never able to do it?


I can no longer go on. I can no longer support any of this. I’m just gone. Nothing is left of me, really I’m just a mechanized robot, programmed to smile and be gentle while doing pointless homework for mediocre teachers. What happens when the robot I am has no one to update me? No one to give me maintenance. I have, absolutely nobody.


But, it’s not okay for me to think this way. I am not a victim, I’m the guilty one. It is me who does everything bad. It is me who does the damage. It’s all, my fault. It’s always been. So I shouldn’t complain. I shouldn’t say or think these things. I am the cause of everything.


I should just, leave. Move away as soon as I can, to somewhere nobody will ever find me, and start all over. I know they say you shouldn’t run away from your problems, but those who say that are the people who don’t know why we leave in the first place. I’m just lost. I don’t know where I am. So please, let me leave, let me find home. Let me find peace.


I don’t deserve love, and I don’t deserve to be loved. Why would anybody want that? They also say, that there’s a special someone for everybody, but that’s a lie. There isn’t. For the majority, yeah sure, I guess they do have a special someone, but then there’s those who are like me, who cannot have anybody. I guess, we’re meant to be lonely. We’re meant to have no one, so of course, it’s never going to work. With anybody.


It is the end for me. I’m just a few inches away from just becoming a machine. With nothing to feel, with nothing to care for. Just a little bit more and i will not feel a thing, nothing. I never thought I could be more broken then what I already am, but oh God, was I wrong. The only person who can save me now is myself, really. But, until then, I’ll just stay this way.

Self destruction

self depreciation


Disconnected from one’s self, from one’s thoughts, from one’s emotions, from one’s feelings. Because they do not exist, it’s not real, and you can’t see it nor feel it. It all just doesn’t make sense, nothing ever does.


And disconnected from reality

These are my thoughts, day and night.

Non stop.

They don’t leave me alone. They’re always there.




Depression and Chronic Migraines

Living without a piece of care is like not living very much ya know? Who did this? Why me? Where am I? Who am I? Am I loved? Am I cared for? Am I just one person more? Where will I be in the next 5 or so years?

Ugh, I hate that fucking question.

It’s the question that all teachers always ask their students

“Where do you see yourself in the next 5 or 10 years?”

“I’ll be married”- says Tiffany

“I’ll have a stable job and my own home” – says Omar

“I don’t fucking know” – Says no one, ever.

We just think it.

It’s not the norm to not know what the fuck will happen in the next 5 or 10 years. It’s also not the norm to share what you truly want.

“I wanna travel the world” – says, maybe some adventurous brave soul.

“I wanna be a star” – says, one out of 10 confident people.

“I’m gonna be true to myself” – says, no one ever.

Why would they?

It’s not the right answer to the teachers questions. They always say “Oh there is no right and wrong answer”, then they correct your answer afterwards. Saying that is the literal equivalent to saying “no offense but..” right before offending you.

“Oh cool you wanna be a star but guess what? That’s unrealistic and inconvenient, nobody wants to hear that. So, like, you’re a female, right? So, instead strive to getting married and having a job and a family of 3 kids and getting divorced or something, it’s much more realistic and likely to happen. So, I’ll ask you again, where do you see yourself in the next 5 or so years?”

Drowning in a bathtub.

Drowning on myself.

Drowning in myself.

“I’ll have a great job and I’ll be married!” – says me.

Hello. :)

Lots of things have happened over the years, the  most important thing that has gone on is that I’ve grown up quite a lot. When I first started out this blog, I was 15 years old in high school. I’m 19 going on 20 and in my second almost 3rd year of college. I’ve matured a lot since the beginning of my blog in which I would post a lot of random content but over the years especially after starting uni I’ve let go of this blog. I’d like to pick it up again.

So here I am…for the like….5,0000th time. I’ve already written like 3 posts claiming I’m back but I don’t do shit. I’d like to change that. Over the months I’ve thought about things to write about, I already got down a big list of topics. I’d love to grow my blog and build up a community of some sort. I know for sure that it’s gonna be hard because school keeps me really busy and when I’m not in school I just do not find the energy and motivation to write something.

I’d like to change that.

Soooo it turns out I met a boy some time ago and this dude, I just really like him. And, he’s like, super cool and just super chill and down to earth and I love that so so much. He’s pretty much inspired me to come back to this blog. He’s always giving me something to think about and I love how we’re always talking about everything and he’s motivated me to come back pretty much and idk ever since getting with him I’ve felt pulled to this blog. I can hear it screaming at me to please come back.

So that’s what I’m doing now.

I used to write to feel better and to like, let myself go. Talk about whatever I wanted. But then….I just lost motivation. I didn’t want to do anything on this blog not even access it. I started posting just for the sake of it, not because I felt like doing it. I was basically forcing myself to push out posts at one point and then suddenly one day, poof. All will was lost. Looking at it made me feel embarrassed and it also made me feel like….something heavy in me. My blog has been a secret to everybody that I know since the start. There’s only one person in my life outside this blog that knows it exists and it’s my bf. I wish to not feel like it’s dumb to have this blog. I would really, really love to feel proud of it and share it with everybody that I know. I just don’t wanna hide it, no more.

So yeah. I’ll come back. I already have something I’d like to talk about and I’ll start to write it asap. So, stay tune, whoever is reading this. Hope you stay for a while and hope you enjoy what you find here.

With love,

            -me. 🙂




Aaayee whattup it’s me, back, after like, 6 months? Haha, anyways, I’m gonna be writing again! I have finally gotten through some tough personal and school stuff, and I feel much better and ready to start writing again.

If you’ve been here for a while, thank you so much. 🙂 I hope you can stick around through the newer content I plan to write about! If you’re new here, then welcome! There’s always room for one more.

So, through the past months I have changed in many ways. I feel much more energetic, happier, less stressed. I have opened my mind up to things about myself that i noticed and I worked through the bad stuff and the good stuff about me.

I also started to discover newer hobbies and better things to spend my time on instead of spending it feeling sad and stressed. I had to break out of that bubble, I couldn’t stay there forever. If I did, I would never grow as a person.

One of my “new” hobbies is gardening. I say “new” because I used to garden as a child but as I got older I lost interest. Well, I’ve regained it! I have discovered to really love Succulent plants (especially cactus) and growing my own vegetables 🙂

I also started to pay more attention to the things that are happening around me, such as environmental issues. I would like to focus this blog on many things, one of those being informing the world about the issues going on in our environment, what is causing them and what we can do to help solve them.

I will still like to post some of my other random content every now and then, too. So, I’ve decided to come up with a schedule in which I will try to post at least 2 times a week: One post on Sunday and the other on whatever day I have time! (ya know, cuz school). I also kinda want to start a youtube channel 😛

So…yeah. That’s it for now!

Signing out, Kchan.


Sometimes I wonder

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I be different?

I try and try and try

I do everything but nothing works

Nothing makes sense

I want to change

But I guess I’m just like this


2018? 2019!

Aaaaye it’s me again! I’ve been busy with some personal stuff but here I am to say a goodbye to 2018 on my blog and to welcome the new year!

Let’s see, this 2018 I feel like I didn’t post much, but hopefully I will in 2019. I wanna get stuff organized this new year to have time for everything that I want to do. I feel like I could have done many stuff this year but I’m happy with the way things always ended up to be, I had a nice year. 🙂

Hope all of you out there too! Be grateful for everything that you have in your life; your friends and family, your home, work, school, whatever it is, be grateful for it. Take good care of yourselves! Remember to rest when you need to, work hard for your goals and try to stay positive through everything that the new year will bring you. You can do it. 🙂

Thanks for reading my blog through this year, there will be more to come soon, I promise!

Have a good new year. 🙂 ❤

With love, me.

I’m back!

WHaattuuup! It’s me- Karuchaaan free from university, finally! Missed me? No! But whatever I’M BACK baby!

So, where was I the last like 3 months? University! I just finished my first semester of college in Systems Engineering. Oh boy. I wrote about 4 different thesis for different subjects, solved 280 calculus problems, did 2 projects and did about 20 programs in the span of 2 weeks. I didn’t even sleep during the last week.

But hey, I got through it! With 90’s and one 80 as final grades, my total grade for the semester was a 92.

Not so proud BUT I DID IT and I have no other option to accept it and feel proud…..I guess.

But I’m finally freeee to browse the internet for hours, write on my blog, draw and workout.

(Quick side note, here’s a little thing I learnt in this first semester: You gain a bit of weight in college. I was stuck at 48 kilograms for 2 years, in just 4 months I went up to 50. )

I actually got on winter holiday since last week on Tuesday, but I was busy cleaning my room, desk, drawers and organizing clothes, finally! Today I focused on doing laundry, still got more laundry to do but I’ll finish it on Sunday. Monday I plan to wash my yoga mat to start working out again and I also gotta bit of laptop maintenance to do which may take me about 2 days (my laptop is FUCKED), plus 1 day of reinstalling all necessary programs and such. Afterwards, I will just chill a bit and start studying a bit. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to study on holiday, it’s actually a good thing. 🙂

So make sure to eat healthy, eat moderately and do not stress too much, you’ll be okay! 🙂 Sooner or later you’ll be on your spring break or whatever, so just give your best shots and efforts, study for heaven’s sake and stay out of trouble. 🙂

So, thank you for reading, bye bye!

Love, Kchan .w.

Just Checking In

Sorry for not posting in like, 2 months! I have been seriously busy with college, trying to pass my classes hahaha…. anyways, I don’t wanna leave this blog empty for so long, so some days I’ll just post poems or random stories that I write, or just anything in general, just to make up for the time lost and so that I feel that my blog isn’t that lonely.

Anyways, for today, I’ll just leave a little bit of what has happened in my recent time while I was gone from this blog.

So, I’m in college, woo! I’m in college and I’m already quite stressed and nervous. I flunked a class, and I’m trying to save it. Today I had my exam for that class, and I’m very nervous awaiting the results. Hopefully, I’ll pass. 🙂

It’s also been a year since the earthquake that struck my city. My city was the epicenter of the earthquake in which many people lost their homes and lives. One of my neighbors and her child included. So, may they both rest in peace.

My momma’s uncle, very old of age, got sick last week. He wasn’t able to recover and died yesterday, October 1st. I’ll miss seeing that old man outside his home, but he’s in a better place now where he will no longer suffer. In the end, we’re all heading there, right? May he rest in peace as well.

Let’s see, what else is there to say for now? Not much after this. So, thanks for reading and I’ll tune in as soon as I can. 🙂 I’m thinking of posting on Sundays, so I can have at least 1 weekly post. I hope I can do so, as time right now is tight due to a thousand homework assignments and projects and exams.

Thanks, cya!


The Law of Attraction

Do you want to attract a special someone into your life? Do you want to have a new phone? Maybe change something of yourself? Just ask, the universe will do it.

Oh look it’s me I’m posting again after like a month 00ps! I’ve been in college this past month! That’s right, I’m in college already. But that’s not the point of the post, the point is the Law of Attraction (also known as the LOA) to gain whatever you want from the universe.

Now, what is the law of attraction?

The law of attraction is the ability to manifest your thoughts in the physical world. To put it in a simple form, you basically just, wish for something and it comes to you.

You can think about something and focus on it and sooner or later, you will attract what you are thinking and focusing on.  You can ask for money, love, a work opportunity, a different eye color, longer hair, a specific person, or whatever you want and it’ll be given to you.

How does it work?

There are many methods to make this work, such as scripting, listing and affirmations being the most common. Like mentioned before, all you gotta do is ask for something, desire something that you truly want in your life and remain positive, open minded and to believe after everything. You must focus on what you want, think about it and visualize yourself already having what you wanted and how that makes you feel.

Does it work?

Yes. It does! It is really something amazing and powerful that unfortunately many people do not know about. We as humans have this power in our hands, but many of us don’t discover it never. This works with everybody. We are all capable of using this law no matter what.

Of course, I must mention, that for some people it works faster than for others. This depends on how much belief and positivity you have, as well as for how long you have been practicing the LOA. If you are new to this, it can either go both ways: You attract what you want quickly or slowly.


The less positive you remain and the less belief you have, the slower you will obtain results.

A while ago on this blog, we talked about subliminal message videos to obtain what you want, most of these videos are linked to physical changes. Such as, changing the shape of your nose or your eye color to your desired eye color. Read up on this here.

In this case, subliminal videos for your own good are linked to the Law of Attraction, since subliminals are a way to attract something into your life.

We must remember that us as humans, we are what we want to be. We are what we think we are. If you think of yourself in a negative way, you will be negative. If you think you are ugly, that the world around you is horrible, that you’ll always be miserable and never be successful or have what you want, that’s exactly what you will receive. The world around you, the reality around you, is shaped by YOU. If you think of yourself as beautiful, lucky, smart, etc., it will eventually become your reality. Why? Because it’s what you wanted.

I strongly believe in this, I have done it many times and I have proven it to work. I will post about the methods that I use, how I discovered this, and a success story later!

Thank you for reading and please excuse me for being absent these past weeks. Like I said, I was at college doing a course that all freshmen must do for a month. I will be going to classes officially in a few weeks. Until then, let’s hope I can post more! 🙂

Also, excuse me if this was a very, vague post. I’m a bit tired at the moment. Anyways, I gotta go to the bathroom! Thanks for checking in and reading! Until next time, goodbye.

-Kchan .w.