Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be somebody else? Just, totally different? Someone who, is just better than what you are now? Does that person even exist? Is it even possible to get to it? People do change, but what about those that don’t? What happens to them?
Those who cannot move on, those who cannot change, those who feel useless and worthless die within themselves. Nothing matters anymore, it’s all just, pointless, just like one’s self.
What’s the point of having love if you don’t feel the love? What’s the point of having love if you cannot give it back? Nothing about is reciprocate, and therefore, worthless, a waste of time.
“You aren’t what I expected. You aren’t what i need. You can never say the correct things. You make me cry. You just don’t try, ever. It’s always the same with you. What’s the point in listening to you and seeking for your help if you’re totally useless to me?” Words that resonate within me.
Fake a smile, and try to move on. Your issues don’t matter, they’ve never mattered really. How long has it been since someone last comforted me for real? I was a child I think. I cannot open up to nobody, not even to my dearest person. I’m left to just, go on and move forward myself. But whenever it’s someone else I must be there and do what’s best for them. But what happens when I can’t? What happens when I am no longer able to do it? What happens when I was never able to do it?
I can no longer go on. I can no longer support any of this. I’m just gone. Nothing is left of me, really I’m just a mechanized robot, programmed to smile and be gentle while doing pointless homework for mediocre teachers. What happens when the robot I am has no one to update me? No one to give me maintenance. I have, absolutely nobody.
But, it’s not okay for me to think this way. I am not a victim, I’m the guilty one. It is me who does everything bad. It is me who does the damage. It’s all, my fault. It’s always been. So I shouldn’t complain. I shouldn’t say or think these things. I am the cause of everything.
I should just, leave. Move away as soon as I can, to somewhere nobody will ever find me, and start all over. I know they say you shouldn’t run away from your problems, but those who say that are the people who don’t know why we leave in the first place. I’m just lost. I don’t know where I am. So please, let me leave, let me find home. Let me find peace.
I don’t deserve love, and I don’t deserve to be loved. Why would anybody want that? They also say, that there’s a special someone for everybody, but that’s a lie. There isn’t. For the majority, yeah sure, I guess they do have a special someone, but then there’s those who are like me, who cannot have anybody. I guess, we’re meant to be lonely. We’re meant to have no one, so of course, it’s never going to work. With anybody.
It is the end for me. I’m just a few inches away from just becoming a machine. With nothing to feel, with nothing to care for. Just a little bit more and i will not feel a thing, nothing. I never thought I could be more broken then what I already am, but oh God, was I wrong. The only person who can save me now is myself, really. But, until then, I’ll just stay this way.
Disconnected from one’s self, from one’s thoughts, from one’s emotions, from one’s feelings. Because they do not exist, it’s not real, and you can’t see it nor feel it. It all just doesn’t make sense, nothing ever does.
And disconnected from reality
These are my thoughts, day and night.
They don’t leave me alone. They’re always there.