Hello! Today I would like to talk about something from my past, as it is now affecting one of my friends. Yes, I used to self harm. Under my uniform’s sleeve hid lots of scars.
I was 13 years old when I started to self harm after the suicide of my dearest of dearest, I felt guilty as I was the last person who my friend spoke to, we laughed, sang, it all seemed normal. Sadly, I was too stupid to realize that for about a week he was hinting his suicide at me. I did not realize it until the last second when he said his plans to me.
He promised he was joking, though. So I didn’t take him seriously.
Well, he wasn’t joking.
Feeling the guilt I started to self harm and I fell into a deep depression.
I would wear a uniform to school that consisted of a long sleeve shirt. With my P.E. uniform, which was a short sleeve shirt, I would hide my scars under these long, bracelet cuffs like the one shown here.
Yep. I would cut my wrists. My parents didn’t know, my friends didn’t know either. From the outside I was the happy cheerful little Karu-chan always running around but inside I was sad.
I eventually stopped, after I found myself in the pathetic situation in which I had stomped desperately on a pencil sharpener until I broke it in order to get the blade out. I was hiding out in the last bathroom stall about to drag it down my wrist when I said:
“No. Stop it. ”
It was hard, but I stopped. I looked up ways to stop on the internet and I found this method where I would snap rubber bands against my wrists whenever I felt like cutting myself.
Is that method dangerous? Yes. But the point of it was, replacing the pain with another pain and gradually reduce that pain until I no longer needed it. Maybe it wasn’t the best way, maybe there were other methods that I could have tried, but I went with the first thing that popped up as I was desperate.
In the end, this was all unnecessary. I could have avoided many things, yet I couldn’t and not accepting it brought me to what I would do.
I found myself in the situation where my friend who may rest in peace used to be in, the which I helped him through. Yup, I stopped him from hurting himself as well but in the end I did the same exact thing.
I know that he didn’t want me to do that, it wasn’t the right thing. But I did it anyways.
“I have a blade named cat. Cat scratches my wrists”
In the end, the point here is: Don’t.
There are other ways to solve your issues, baby. Don’t hurt yourself as it will lead to nothing but death. Instead, do what I didn’t do: Talk to someone. And if you’re scared of talking to someone which was my case, talk to yourself. Look at yourself and realize that you do not deserve the pain that you’re putting yourself through.
My friend’s into self harm because his parents discovered his homosexuality. It’s a stupid reason to harm yourself. So what if you like the same gender as you?
There are people who harm themselves because of your words. Because remember that your words hurt more than your actions, okay? Be careful who you offend, who you insult because you don’t know what goes on inside them, what goes on at home, in their lives.
And remember that no matter what, your life is precious. There are people who are wishing to survive, who go to sleep every night scared that it will be their last. Meanwhile here you are doing what you’re doing when it’s completely unnecessary.
People who self harm are losers. They’re losers because they’re scared to go on, they’re afraid. They go to self harm because they feel that it’s the only way out, that it’s the right thing to do, but it’s not.
A loser looses.
A winner, wins.
I was a loser for cutting myself. Now I’m a winner. Why? Because I was able to win against my situation, and I moved on.
So if I can do it, why can’t you? You just gotta get up, you can’t stay on the floor forever and let people step on you! You gotta get up, walk forward and pick up anybody who is on the floor.
If you’re into self harm or someone you know is, please, please, seek professional help. I am no professional, this is just my case. I don’t advise you try the rubber band method as it is dangerous since your blood veins can get swollen and explode. Please, seek other ways, there are many methods out there and many people who are willing to help you or the person that you know.
It is now my goal to stop my gay friend from his self harm. Don’t worry, I’m already working on it. 🙂
Thank you for reading.