Apology Letter to Myself

Dear Karuchan,

Today I want to apologize about many things. Things that I don’t have the courage to say directly to the people, so I thought I should share them with you.

Isn’t it weird how sometimes we don’t have the courage to say “I’m sorry”?

I apologize to Madison, for not telling her I was leaving the country. I tried calling her up on the last day but no one answered. I had all the time to tell her but I refused to do so. She has gone through a lot and I feel bad because I left her. She is my childhood friend and the only one from Las Vegas who still remembers me, and I will never stop talking to her. She is a true friend. No matter what, I will always be there for her, very far away, but I’m always listening. And I promise that one day I will see her again.

I apologize to Martin, my ex boyfriend for not being the sweet 14 year old insecure middle school girl he fell in love with. We were together for about 1 year 6 months, but it all changed when I turned 15. He entered college, and I entered high school. I met many people, in between them all, boys of course. He didn’t like that, especially these 2 boys. One day a “friend” of his kissed him, and he didn’t tell me until one day later. I cried, but I accepted him again. We went on. He started to complain about how I’ve changed. He said I was getting more “obnoxious”, I wasn’t the same. One day a boy stole a kiss from me and he got really mad, upset and dumped me only to get back with me and threatening that boy that if he ever got near me again, there would be problems. He once called me a slut for wearing a batman tank top and black thigh highs with denim shorts, he made me ashamed of myself after that for a while. He threatened to dump me if I ever got the snake bites or Monroe piercing I’ve always wanted or if I ever got a tattoo when I was older. He also threatened to dump me if I kept on talking to my best male friend who he didn’t like. I never told him who he can talk and who he couldn’t talk to. He broke up with me and then wanted to get back but I never accepted. Turns out that all that time he was still meeting up with the girl who kissed him, they were major “best friends”. When we broke up, they got together about 2 months later. When I told him about me starting a blog, he said that I couldn’t do it and it was useless to me and that I wasn’t interesting enough, meanwhile his current girlfriend writes fanfictions on wattpadd and he has never said anything hateful to her. :/
I apologize to Martin, for being a young girl who likes piercings, dyeing her hair bold colors like red or getting colorful rainbow highlights, for liking tattoos and for always having hopes and dreams who he didn’t approve. He didn’t want me to go for systematic engineering because “It would take up too much time and I wouldn’t have time to live or start a family in the future” Bitch, it’s my life and I do whatever I want with it.
I apologize to Martin, for being me, myself and I and loving it. For being strong and saying “No” to him.

I apologize to my father, for being a rebellious teenager. For sneaking out and going to friends houses or out without him knowing, as well as dyeing my hair red even though he said I couldn’t dye my hair after the first time until I was “the boss of some important company in the future” which basically translates to when I’m 18 or older. I have been re-dyeing my hair for about 3 months.

I apologize to my mother, for all the times that she and my dad got into fights because of me. I apologize to her for not telling her everything, for sneaking out and doing things I’m not supposed to do. I ditched every single class of physical education that she payed for me to receive for 1 semester, as the school offers it as an extra class that you have to pay for but it does not affect grades or count in grades. I only assisted the first class, after that I ditched the rest with my friends and went out smoking like, 4 times. The 4th time though, I refused to smoke and just sat there as my friends all smoked. I also went drinking once, I was supposed to go over to my friends house but we ended up going drinking after school and when we went back to where I was supposed to meet my mom, I arrived 30 minutes late and my mother slapped me across the face in tears, as she thought that something had happened to me. Ever since then I have not gone drinking or smoking, or anywhere without her knowing. I must let her know where I am at I’m the one who lets her decide at what time I should come home, and I am always afraid of arriving late. I once arrived 1 hour late from school due to a teacher not wanting to let me and my class go and then the streets were closed off due to constructions causing a 30 minute delay. She thought that I was doing bad stuff but this time I wasn’t. Last time I had to stay for extra minutes, I was delayed for 15 minutes and called my mom to know. I am sorry for all the things I have done to you, there are many things you don’t know and that I don’t want you to know, but I love you.
Sometimes teenagers do things that they’re not allowed to do by sneaking out and stuff, this mostly happens with parents who are strict, religious, etc. And they do it because they want to know what it’s like and why they can’t do it.
I am so sorry.

I apologize to my siblings, who I cherish and love. I am sorry for the times I was mean to those two girls, but they will always have me by their side at all times no matter what, they will always have me and my word. I am their older sister, I am their role model, they look up to me.

I wish that I had my older brother here to look up to, I wish that he would apologize to me for not being the older brother that I always had but never had at the same time. I wish that he would apologize for avoiding me, not talking to me, anything.

I apologize to all the teachers who had to put up with me. Honestly, middle school was my time of being a fucking school savage. I was running around the whole school, I visited the vice principal and the principals office multiple times, I got in trouble and noticed by prefects ( known as deans in the U.S.A.) lots of times, I slacked off, I was always doing math homework or Civic and Ethics homework during other classes (Why only those two subjects?) I would leave the classroom and cause a ruckus with other classmates when teachers would leave and say “I’ll be back in 5 minutes” but I always escaped problems since I was one of the most smartest students in the afternoon classes/ sessions ( my middle school was divided in morning classes (7:00 am- 1:10 pm) and afternoon classes (1:10 pm-7:40 pm)). I was one of the top ranking in my first, second and last year of middle school and teachers loved me because I was one of the few students that they have ever seen to arrive from a different country and well I guess that due to that and me being one of the top ranking students, they had to put with me and my destruction. In high school I’ve toned it down a bit as my school is very strict and stuff but I am one of the top 5 smartest in the class, but I still have teachers who had to put up with me using my mirror in class and making me throw it away resulting in me hiding it behind the trash can, getting caught and having to throw it away. Not to mention the times I ate during class sometimes while the teacher gave his/her class and you just had me in the semi-back of the class eating a sandwich.
I apologize for giving you teachers and school staff such a stress, but I assure you that I had the best time learning…. xD

I apologize to my family in general for my sexuality. I am a pansexual (Pansexuality), but my family does not know this. My family has shown that they are against it since its “against God’s will” I mean, they do not have problems with people being something other than “straight”, they don’t hurt anybody but the only thing that bothers them is: the religious part of it. Most parents do actually, and my family has never had anybody come out as being something other than straight. I am a pansexual, but I prefer to keep it a secret than to tell them and cause a rant.
I apologize for having to keep this a secret from you guys, but it’s the best for the family….

I apologize to all those people who bullied me and teased me for not being “Normal” and for being “weird”, for not liking the same music as you and many more. Just because I don’t like One Direction and prefer listening to Green Day doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with me (no offense to anyone). Just because I like other things than you doesn’t mean that I’m a freak or not normal. To me, normal does not exist. Normality is just another social label but this one doesn’t have anybody in it, because no one is normal. NO ONE.I apologize to all the people who think that they’re normal because well, you’ve been lying to yourself. Some people are weirder than others, so what? And if you don’t like it then by queen have a nice day~! *puts edgy sun glasses on*

I apologize to all the people who I have misjudged. 

I apologize to all the people who don’t like me. It’s not my fault, it’s yours, so you can deal with it.  I will not stress myself trying to make you like me.

I apologize to all the people who I have been mean to, rude to, talked back, sassed them, etc. The bad part is that after I do that I feel bad. 😐 My mind says “HE DESERVES IT” but my heart says “maybe you were ignoring him a bit too much…”. I only do it to people who deserve it though. :v I am a teenager, I don’t know what I’m doing I’m confused.

But most importantly…

I apologize to myself, for all the things I have done and said to myself. I am sorry for trying to take my life, for doing self harm, for going through a time when I didn’t see myself as pretty, when I didn’t believe in myself and tried all those things to try and change my appearance and for being an outcast and afraid to stand up for myself.
I have learned to love myself and now I see myself in the mirror and I see a beautiful gal who slays every time, and I believe in myself, which is what has made me stand out, and this all happened when I moved to a different country, new life, new me. I love it, but  just because I look like a Tumblr hipster, on the inside I still have the mentality of a 12 year old  :v xD

I am still young at heart and the same crazy weirdo! Just a bit more confident. c: I laugh at all the little things xD Like this, for example: Lazy Town-Cooking by the book remix ft. Lil Jon (A bit of bad language in that by the way).

And that is about it for now. Life is full of a million ( people that we will come across in our lifetime. Some are good, some are bad, and that includes us. We all have said sorry to someone before, but for some reason, saying the words “Sorry”, “No”,  and/or “I love you”  and sometimes “Goodbye” are the hardest to say. Why is this? I don’t know, but what I do know, is that we learn from all these people who we come across. Whether if they have hurt us or helped us. We should start to learn to handle fear of confessing and/or saying sorry, but for some reason, it’s things like that that we try to avoid, but the bad stuff come easier than the good stuff.

Well, that was about it for now, mate! I hope to be seeing you soon, take care and remember that life has it’s ups and downs.

Till next time,

-Karuchan

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*Insert mind blow explosion here*

Oh and….

I apologize to my cat for petting him without him wanting to be pet and to all the puppies I’ve met for making unnecessary comments like “aaaaaw!!!! when you grow up no one will love you” or “I wonder how much money they will give me for you at a flea market”….

I regret nothing.

Because I learned from it. :v

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